Tuesday, February 9, 2010

social death?

i just deleted a post because it was too whiney. i was talking about how i'm jealous of my friends and how they are able to do whatever they want- i.e. they don't have a baby.

but the post contained too much self-pity. i love my new little family. yes, i want to be able to go to a fun party and drink flaming shots. yes, i want to stay up till 11, not because our baby won't go to sleep, but because we're still laughing it up with dinner guests. then i look at my little girl and see her smile at me. i hear her making new sounds everyday. she loves me, and i love her.

i know i'll adjust to this new life. it will just take time. i need to keep looking for ways to get out and make new friends. friends in similar situations. i need to remember that i haven't lost my old friends too. it's just a different relationship now.

i am open to suggestions/advice on this topic. i'd love to know how other moms have made this adjustment :)


  1. It is really hard. I probably shouldn't hand out any advice because I'm a complete recluse but here it goes.

    The one thing that's very important to us is keeping our marriage from becoming all about kids, and not having any time left for ourselves/our relationship/romance. We have a babysitter who comes twice a month, no matter what, and we stick to that. Even just going out for dinner alone is so important to reconnect and recharge. I think it makes us better parents.

    I don't have any close gay friends with kids, but it's all the same with our straight friends. Many of them have one person who doesn't go out, and they stay home with the baby while the other one does. I am always up for being the one to stay home, but River never wants to go out without me, lol.

    As for friends without kids, yeah, we've definitely drifted apart. We still talk, but like you said, it's a different relationship. And I completely know where you are coming from. Throughout my daughter's 6 years I have had many emotions about being a parent; not always good ones, but that's how it goes. None of my close friends (or used-to-be close friends) have kids so I have definitely spent time feeling jealous of them.

    But then I think about how much having kids has changed me for the better. I'm such a more interesting and caring person now. Where would I be without my family? So lost. It's totally worth it. But let yourself have those emotions. Perfectly natural.

    How about joining a playgroup in your area? Is there an attachment parenting group, or MOMs program or something? That's a great way to get out, make new mom friends, and get some support.

  2. It's tough. Parenthood can be so isolating. We aren't very good about reaching out, but we crave the company of other people. Some things that have helped are inviting folks over for an evening in after Miles bedtime. Dinner, a movie, adult conversation... it goes a long way.

    I'll also say that going back to work eased up a bit fo the isolated feelings, but the flip side of that was feeling like we never had any time with Miles while he was awake, except on the weekend.

  3. Sorry you're feeling lonely of friends so soon. I had a REALLY hard time accepting the lack of social life that came along after becoming a mom. My main problem was that during pregnancy I lost all of my friends (who still just wanted to party all the time) and Graham still got to maintain a daily social circle.

    I went through a year of really bad depression from it actually. Graham wanted to have me put on drugs. Having hobbies helped me. I would paint, draw, knit, and take a lot of walks with Quinn. Eventually we got to go back to our older ways. We could take Quinn with us to parties, dinners, concerts and whatever else we wanted to do.

    We still don't have a lot of friends with kids. I do have some 40 year old friends (Quinns friends moms from Montessori) that come over once a week to watch project runway. It's a hokey thing to do, but fun for us girls to hangout every now and again. It's a little strange that they're so much older than I am too.

    You'll find some outlets the more rested you become. I'm sure Anna is great help too. Always remember to love each other no matter how much attention Arden demands. When are you coming to Boise?

  4. first off, this is your blog, so if your feeling a little whiny then whine dammit! Secondly, (yea) you have a beautiful daughter and you can still have a life. Finding little ways that you can treat yourself is the most important thing. Have your wife watch the baby and go to lunch with a friend or make a spa day for an hour or two. (my thing is doing my hair, its my time and it makes me feel good!) Next make sure that you and the wifey make some time for your relationship. Don't forget about sex and romance. Lastly, there are so many new things (things you couldn't do before) as a new family! Embrace that and enjoy yourself! I have a five year old so I know how it is to feel like you've lost yourself and all privacy from time to time, but these things that I've mentioned have helped me keep a sense of myself and my womanhood.... and helped me be a good mother too.